Reality

Today two young children lost their battles with cancer. Another one was given a week, at the most. Reality is sinking in. Someday I’m going to get that call about my niece, someday my sister and her husband will have to go to sleep without kissing their daughter goodnight. I can’t stop crying, not even to do the smallest things. I thought that with time this would get easier, that I’d come to terms with it and accept it. But it’s not getting any easier, it’s getting harder. It’s especially hard looking at my son and knowing that someday in the near future, I’m going to have to tell him that Maddie’s gone and she’s not coming back. My heart is broken.

History

So I guess I should lay out a background just in case there is actually someone reading this. Growing up, my sister and I were never very close. She’s almost five years older than me and was always at an unattainable level of cool while I was in a never-ending stage of awkwardness. She moved out when she was 18 and for a while it was just my mother and I. I decided to move out when I was 18 also and stayed away until I was 21. I went through a horrible relationship and when I returned home I was a completely broken person with no identity of my own. While rebuilding my life, I began to rebuild my relationship with my sister. We hung out every once in a while, she got married, and introduced me to the man that is now my husband and the father of my child. In 2007 my sister had the sweetest, most precious little girl, Maddie. Six months later, I gave birth to my amazing son Cameron. They have been inseparable ever since. Maddie is now five, and Cameron will be five soon. A month before Maddie turned five, she was diagnosed with Grade IV Glioblastoma Multiforme, or GBM. It’s pediatric survival rates are almost non-existent. She is going through treatment right now, but the tumors will come back. And with the tumors come the cancer. Cameron and Maddie are closer than my sister and I have ever been, and I cannot fathom how to begin explaining all of this to him. He knows that she is sick and going through treatment to get better, but he’s so young that he cannot fully grasp the concept. He talks about growing up with her, and how they’ll be when they’re adults. It’s times like those that I have to choke back my tears. There’s so much innocence and hope in both of them. Maddie doesn’t know either. She knows that she’s sick, that she had a tumor and that she has to get these treatments to try and keep the tumors from coming back. She doesn’t know that she’s dying. Cancer steals everything. It’s stealing my son and his cousin’s friendship. It’s stealing my niece’s dreams of being a middle school teacher. It’s stealing my sister’s dream of watching her little girl become an adult. It’s breaking my heart.

Cam and Maddie 2012

Hiding Places

Some days are easier than others. Some days I wake up, get ready, go to work, and the day goes by without a though. Other days, it’s hard to even get out of bed. I keep telling myself that I need to get up, but I just can’t manage it. I guess I prefer my dreams over reality some times. On those days it’s hard to smile and laugh, especially at work. I pass by people, put on a smile, and move on. I’m pretty good at hiding my emotions and putting on like everything is okay, so no one really ever bothers me about it. It’s when people bring up the subject, mention the word “cancer”, that’s when I have to find somewhere. I can’t keep it back then. The bathroom, the back dock, hidden in an isle in the warehouse. These are my dark rooms. These are the places that I can break down. I don’t know why I feel like I have to hide it — pain is pain and it’s not going to go away. I guess I need to feel that I’m in control of it, that I’m strong enough to hold it together. Watching someone slowly die, that will break you down though. Right now I don’t have a grip on anything. Today is one of those days.